This morning I discovered my 5 year old daughter combing her hair in the full length mirror -- not an unlikely occurence -- but today she was doing something different. She was striking what can best be described as a stripper pose.
"Daddy, do I look sexy?"
My heart stopped. Shock. Horror. Panic. Where's mom when we need her? The kid's 5 for God's sake. Who the hell taught her about sexy? Was it her trashy aunt, with those lowriders and ample butt crack? I remembered Chris Rock: while there are no grades for parenting, if you're daughter's working the pole, then you've screwed up. What did I do wrong? My sweet precious daughter -- destined to lavish attention on scuzzy men carrying wads of singles, and to tell sob stories about having a sick kid at home who needs a rare and expensive medical procedure.
So, after an excruciatingly long beat I asked, "What does sexy mean?" I could breath again. The ball at least was back in her court. She said, "Sexy like Hannah Montana sexy." Damn you, Disney Channel -- you ruined my girl! I ventured, "Have you ever seen Hannah Montana?" "Oh, at my friends' houses." Note to self: cancel all play dates. " What do you mean by sexy anyway?" I volleyed. I might not be able to win it, but I would live to fight another day. " Cute and cool." OK, maybe it's not so bad. "...and the boys all like you. A LOT." Shoot me now. In desperation, I try the old bait & switch: "Honey, you don't want to be sexy. You want to be sassy. Sassy is much better. It means you're smart and have a fun attitude and are really good at math." She isn't buying it. "Sweetie, sexy is really something for when you're older." This, oddly, makes sense to her, and she responds with a simple "Okay." I'm feeling pretty good. She smiles and says, "You mean older like seven, right?" At this point my modern, sensible, cool-but-not-too-cool dad gives way to my inner Taliban dad. "NO! No no no no. No. WAY OLDER! Sexy is for when you're finishing grad school, have published your first book, and are on your way to becoming a noble laureate. THEN you can be sexy!"
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6 comments:
Oh my...I think this would strike fear in my heart too.
Hilarious and very very frightening!
One word, Grease Lightening!
While Amaya is only 3 I expect this conversation to happen in the near future.
We don't have any full-length mirrors. But when we went to San Diego a few years ago, the minute we opened the hotel room door, my then-5-year-old made a beeline for the full-length, stuck a pose, and exclaimed, "Fashion!"
On a related note, when the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair scandal broke out, my 7-year-old asked if it was still okay for Hannah Montana to be her "role model".
"FASHION!" Love it.
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